I am my own worst nightmare.
It’s my fault and I take full responsibility for it. I am a bad friend. The worst. I don’t mean to be, but I often am. I am my own brick wall.
Let’s start with me, I am the queen of awkward. Put me in a social situation and just watch me burn and then crawl into my little dark hole of solitude. I have social anxiety and find that being around people makes me so tense and on edge, even if I love them and I do love them. I often find making new friends to be akin to someone stabbing me through my neck ( although I’ve never actually been stabbed in the neck, go figure) and try to avoid it at all costs.
The problem with this is that I end up missing important events with existing friends, being late and doing things that make me an all around ass! I always try, but end up finding a way to cancel or postpone.
This leads to a never-ending cycle of missed catch-ups and to missed everything. Let me just put this out there, my friends are incredible, talented human beings who I love whole heartedly. They are the best people around and I value them. I just don’t know if they know that I value them. Which is a problem, because over the years my social anxiety had gotten worse and worse even as my group of friends has become better and I have surrounded myself with people who are caring, genuine and beautiful. This should make it easier for me to be around people, but surprisingly it hasn’t.
I often find myself second guessing those friendships, wondering why any of these people talk to me at all. This creates a huge ball of tension which makes me feel even worse. No matter what they do, I never feel good enough to be in their presence.
That’s the problem, I see them as being so above me, that I can never understand why they would even choose to be around me.
Knowing rationally, that my friend love me and see various goof things within me is comforting but no less daunting. To be a good friend, I have to learn to be good to myself first. I need to learn to love myself and respect myself, no matter what mistakes I make before I can be a great friend.
I often feel like I am a work in progress, and I am. The best thing that I can do for those around me is learn to be content with who I am at this stage of my life, whilst also working to become who I want to be. I make so many mistakes on a daily basis but as long as I an acknowledge them without shame and fear fo recrimination, then I can slowly but surely work on them. My friends are generous and kind and talented individuals who I believe in.
It’s just time that I started believing in myself to.